credit crunch - the crumbly biscuit of life?

I haven't looked at this since February - I think that is because the days have been longer and the nights shorter during the summer. It could be that I have just been avoiding stuff - life and all.

I am dysfunctional and lost on an emotional level - that whole you know who your friends are scenario. Having twins is very isolating - possibly having a child at 38 is isolating - I can't say coz I have two, and as much joy as they give me - things are hard.

I always wanted to be a super mum - having been surrounded, during my formative years by amazing women that seemed to conduct their lives and those of people around them with ease and grace.

We are in the poverty trap - council tenants in a property that is just to small (a two bed maisonette) and there are 5 of us, we share our room with the twins and my daughter has the other room.

I would love to move, but it is never that simple - I moved in as a single parent - the condition of the flat wasn't great but I was thank full to have a home and have put up with it as I didn't qualify for any grants to help with decorating.

Things of course have changed and now if you don't leave your property in good condition you get fined. The motivation is that if the property is in good decorative repair when you leave it then you will get 100.00 as a thank you from Tandridge (lol) - even a small property like ours it will cost us more than that to freshen up the paint, make good and remove the carpet (where we have managed to get carpet) - and clear the garden that I can't get to - a curious thing about long term council tenants is that they seem to be unaware of property boundaries - or at least this is the case with my neighbour - she seems to believe that our garden is an extension of hers - other neighbours thought that fruit and veg, that I grew, was there for them - the sort of behaviour that encourages me to rush out and spend time out there.
Besides I am yet to work out how to get my toddlers down stairs and in to my garden (very overgrown) and keep them safe while I clear the space.

and when I have solved all of this there are so few 3 bed properties that we may not be able to move anyway.

I am just a grumpy old bag - resentful that it all seems to be down to me. - don't get me wrong I know it isn't, and I know that my husband goes off to work and my daughter goes out to school
I just seem to be buried under an ever increasing pile of washing and recycling........

If the car tyres need air or cat shit needs clearing up these are jobs that seem to be mine. Being a housewife isn't as glamorous as those old movies make it out to be.

Moving to Stepford - Not!

This is such a great title - I started this thought in February and such a lot has happened since then that I haven't a clue what I might have been thinking ;0) - so I guess it is on to pastures new.

back on track - yipee

You can see that I have been fiddling with my blogs not necessarily adding anything of literary value but redecorating if you like.

Its all about avoidance of course – being (and I’m not looking for moral input) poor currently, it is often easier to bury my head in the sand and pretend it won’t happen. I am talking about post Christmas bills of course.

Oh before you think I have had some fantasy wind fall. I only mean I have paid off the overdue payments – trust me I probably overall owe less than most do on a single credit card. The difference is, my debt is a significantly higher percentage of our household income.

So sitting here writing this, adjusting the settings and yes playing the Torchwood game has been real guilt free therapy – it’s free.

I can lose my self in the virtual world, play games or go window shopping without needing to scrape together the money for diesel.

And before you tell me I should get off my sofa and get a job, being poor is a choice. I don’t want to go out to work to pay someone else to look after my children.

I didn’t have children to offload them for the next 16+ years.

People that have children as pass them over to nurseries, child minders after school clubs etc sadden me. If you don’t want to nurture your children why have children at all?

I understand that there is a place for all these services – but your child minder will be infusing your child with their life experiences. The nursery will give them the manners and moral education laid down in some government guide lines.

Yes there is an argument to say this is a good thing – sometimes parents’ views can be out dated and bigoted and if they are the only opinions which children are exposed to this can also be damaging.

Isn’t that what school is for though? To produce well rounded balanced individuals that learn in a national way what is acceptable to our society? Isn’t that what the National Curriculum is for?

If so, I will continue to enjoy every minute, as my 20 month old twins explore their world, secure in the knowledge that my narrow opinions will be erased from their fragile minds when they start school :)

All this coz I could pay my bills…………………………….. :)

begin in the middle

I guess in brief reaching 40 is a milestone at which, many people contemplate their life to date.

I seem to have done most of the things you’re supposed to. You know like getting married and having kids - not necessarily in that order.

I have a daughter about to embark on the GCSE journey (lucky girl) fortunately she's very smart, so I am hoping for smooth sailing (I can dream!).

In 2006 I had twins, a boy and a girl - all quite traumatic but fortunately only for me. I discovered that even when things appear stable in your life change happens and keeping a low profile won’t prevent this.

I have never mastered the ability to keep all the balls in the air at the same time and as a result friends drift away and life changes in ways perhaps I wouldn't choose.

I discovered this a few years ago, I'm not sure if it is an original James Patterson thought but it's an idea that people world wide seem to have picked up and to me it makes a lot of sense.

“Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas. James Patterson 2001
p. 24 The story of the five balls: Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends and integrity. And you’re keeping all of them in the air. But one day, you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls - family, health, friends, and integrity - are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have the beginnings of balance in your life.”

I guess it's the closest I have ever come to having a philosophy about life. My father once said that all the time you are a child you are told to grow up and when you reach adulthood you can be childish. I know that sounds really strange but take a good look around..........

My daughter and I developed this idea further when she was younger. There are two types of Adult; those that grow up and take to adulthood embracing it I suppose taking it to be the point to the process and those that are never comfortable, never quite give up on childhood beliefs, doing adult things out of obligation rather than choice these are what she and I call growed ups. They are the ones growing up happened to whether they liked it or not.

I have a wonderful husband who loves me even with all my, oh to many to count faults and for this I love him, with all my heart.

I am not the most spiritual person I know. I like to rant about the state of things but I neither have the time, nor the conviction to do anything about it. Late the other night I discovered Satish Kumar, an Indian gentleman who has spent his life walking the planet for peace. He has written a few books and I think I may learn something valuable from his writings.